I take comfort in the Buddha, Sangha and Dharma because it is the refuge of calm. I did not like when I felt like I was always in fight or flight, and so I began to try and alleviate things that made me uncomfortable one by one. I heard from those around me that they were worried about me. I had always been told that I was an argumentative and confrontational person, that I was very defensive, but when I started taking time to sit and notice how I felt in my own body, I began to be able to slow down enough to listen to my skin, and my lungs, and my heart, and my thoughts. I could finally hear and see what those who loved me were trying to say about why they were worried. I would wake up angry in the morning and I didn’t know why.
I hope that I will be able to continue learning more about the profound transformation through self-awareness and mindfulness, which are central tenets of Buddhism. I seek more information because I believe the education works. I seek more teachings because I believe this is the way that we help each other, that we help heal the world, and begin to help others see how we are all intertwined and connected. The Buddha represents the enlightened state I aspire to, the Dharma embodies the teachings that guide me, and the Sangha provides a community of support. Together, they form a sanctuary of peace, offering solace from the chaos of fight-or-flight responses and everyday life. I take refuge in stepping out of the matrix and into truth.
For so long I had ignored my own needs and my own signals, I didn’t realize I was waking up angry because I was in pain, physically, and couldn't even articulate the sensations. I was unable to get comfortable, unable to rest, unable to sit still. I was not at home in my own body, or in my own mind.
I was entangled in my own thoughts, I would wake up in the middle of the night and pore over everything I had ever done wrong, everything I had ever said rudely or any time I had been unkind, had acted in a way that was bringing me shame would keep me up. Or I would wake up in a panic, unable to go back to sleep.
I couldn't sleep; for a long while, I was so anxious I would get up in the morning and be so nauseous I couldn't even eat. I was in a spiral and I needed help. I picked at my fingers until my hands bled. Sitting was helpful but I needed something more, something that would keep my attention, keep me focused, and help me heal.
I checked in with a doctor, and discovered that aside from anxiety and panic attacks, I had residual PTSD from a series of events from young adulthood forward. I had not been able to grieve and let go. I began medication for my fibromyalgia, sought new techniques for pain management and EDS, and began proactively resting and meditating to reduce chronic migraines and fatigue. I began to listen to meditations and lectures on Buddhism as well. I have been in proactive, steady practice since 2020, when, during the pandemic, I needed to have something to help me from going stir crazy.
My commitment to daily meditation and study likely contributes greatly to ongoing recovery and personal growth. I keep coming back to it because it works. I think it was Lama Lekshe who said in a class one time, “the thinking that gets you in isn't the thinking that will get you out,” and I have carried that with me for twenty years. If the thing that you are doing isn’t working, stop it and try something else.
Finally, during the winter of 2023, we were without power for almost a month, so I took the time to engage in daily, long meditations, and additional study. This was the most transformative experience thus far in my meditation practice, as I was able to practice without interruptions or distractions. The proactive approach I’ve taken since 2020, intensified by the challenges of the pandemic and the power outage, shows resilience and dedication to my well-being. In the determination to be resilient and patient, I will be of help and benefit to others.